Turning to One Another
Sunday, September 7, 2008 at 10:39PM Margaret Wheatley’s Turning to One Another is a passionate argument for the power of meaningful communication, a book I recommend everyone take the time to read with care. When I read it recently as part of my research for my book on Partnership Learning , I saw several themes. I’ll list them here and include quotations from her book to illustrate each theme. After that, I’ll say a little bit about the implications of her ideas for coaches and me.
A Radical Brokenness
“We have never wanted to be alone. But today, we are alone. We are more fragmented and isolated from one another than ever before. Archbishop Desmond Tutu describes it as “a radical brokenness in all of existence.” We move at frantic speed, spinning out into greater isolation. We seek consolation in everything except each other. The entire world seems hypnotized in the wrong direction – encouraging us to love things rather than people, to embrace everything new without noticing what’s lost or wrong, to choose fear instead of peace. We promise ourselves everything except each other. We’ve forgotten the source of true contentment and well-being” (pg. 4).
Noise
“This is a very noisy era. I believe the volume is directly related to our need to be listened to. In public places, in the media, we reward the loudest and most outrageous. People are literally clamoring for attention, and they’ll do whatever it takes to be noticed. Things will only get louder until we figure out how to sit down and listen. Most of us would welcome things quieting down. We can do our part to begin lowering the volume by our own willingness to listen” (pg. 91).
Time
“Do you have as much time to think as you did a year ago? When was the last time you spent time reflecting on something important to you? At work, do you have more or less time now to think about what you’re doing? Are you encouraged to spend time thinking with colleagues and co-workers or reflecting on what you’re learning” (pg. 96)?
“We’re forfeiting the very things that make us human. Our road to hell is being paved with hasty intentions. I hope we can notice what we’re losing – in our day-to-day life, in our community, in our world. I hope we’ll be brave enough to slow things down” (pg. 96).
“Conversation … takes time. We need time to sit together, to listen, to worry and dream together. As this age of turmoil tears us apart, we need to reclaim time to be together. Otherwise we cannot stop the fragmentation” (pg. 5).
Listening
“I believe we can change the world if we start listening to one another again” (pg. 3).
“We have the opportunity many times a day, everyday, to be the one who listens to others, curious rather than certain. But the greatest benefit of all is that listening moves us closer. When we listen with less judgment, we always develop better relationship with each other. It’s not differences that divide us. It’s our judgments about each other that do. Curiosity and good listening bring us back together” (pg. 36).
Differences
“Most of us have had the experience of listening to someone and realizing how different they are from us. We don’t share any of their experiences, values, or opinions. But surprisingly, at the end of listening to them, we feel more connected to them” (pg. 117).
“… in all our diversity, we share the experience of being human. We each have the same longings and feelings. We each feel fear, loneliness, grief. We each want to be happy and to live a meaningful life. We discover this shared human experience whenever we listen to someone’s unique story” (pg. 118).
“Remember, you don’t fear people whose story you know. Real listening always bring people closer together” (pg. 145)
Equality
“Conversation can only take place among equals. If anyone feels superior, it destroys conversation. Words then are used to dominate, coerce, manipulate. Those who act superior can’t help but treat others as objects to accomplish their causes and plans. When we see each other as equals, we stop misusing them” (pg. 141).
Our Fundamental Human Goodness
“In our daily life, we encounter people who are angry, deceitful, intent only on satisfying their own needs. There is so much anger, distrust, greed, and pettiness that we are losing our capacity to work well together. Many of us are more withdrawn and distrustful than ever. Yet this incessant display of the worst in us makes it essential that we rely on human goodness. Without that belief in each other, there is really no hope” (pg. 72).
“Goodness and talent are common human traits. Most people are more generous and talented than we assume. It’s hard to see this day-to-day when we work in restrictive environments where we’re told what to do, told what to think, usually ignored, often disrespected, sometimes dehumanized. Once you’ve worked and lived under these conditions, it’s difficult to remember your own capacities, let along those of others. But in an emergency, when others are suffering, we emerge powerfully, leaving behind our roles, our boredom, our exhaustion. Disasters reveal capacities long buried by bureaucracy and disrespect” (pg, 125).
“Work that serves the common good doesn’t take away our energy. Instead, energy pours into our bodies through our open hearts and generous spirits” (pg. 127).
Wheatley and Coaching
Coaches, I think, are wonderfully positioned to do the good work that Dr. Wheatley discusses. By taking time, truly listening, and talking about ideas they care about, coaches, I believe, can profoundly improve the world inside their schools. Coaches, by really listening to teachers, by treating teachers with deep respect, can offer some teachers a kind of altered reality. “I know,” a coach might say during a one-to-one conversation with a teacher, “that talk in the staff lounge isn’t very positive or supportive, but right here right now we can treat each other with kindness. We can show each other that we care.”
For this reason, I really believe that coaching is not just about effective instruction, coaching is about creating a more positive culture in school, one conversation at a time. School culture is manifested in conversations, and no one has more conversations than a coach. In my workshops, I often suggest that coaches need to make a decision about what they will discuss, and stick to it. For me, that means, if a conversation isn’t good for kids, isn’t good for the school, then the coach probably should not be involved in it.
Ultimately, I believe we will never have the kind of schools we want if we do not start having more mutually humanizing conversations. We can’t expect our kids to enjoy and benefit from learning if the teachers feel frightened, alone, and under attack. Coaches can provide real, meaningful support, and by listening, as Wheatley says, they might just change the world.
Personal reflections
I opened this book at just the right time because watching the Republican Convention—even though I am a Canadian, not an American citizen—I found myself getting angrier by the minute as I watched what to me seemed like a deliberate attempt to deceive the American public. (If you’re interested, I’d be happy to send you an email letter summarizing my thoughts). Margaret Wheatley, however, has reminded me of Gandhi’s famous quotation, “Be the change you want to see.” Despite my anger, I will prove nothing by trying to bully those whose opinions are different than mine. So, I will do my best to listen first even when it seems that those who are talking aren’t listening to me. Indeed, by listening, I might learn a lot, and I might even help some see my point of view. If I start by shouting, there’s little chance anything I say will have any impact.
Next week
I’ll be writing about Open Space Technology , by Harrison Owen, which describes a kind of reflection learning structure that presenters and coaches can use to foster meaningful dialogue during workshops and other forms of presentations. It is a great book, and if you give presentations or lead workshops, and you’ve never heard of it, I think you’ll find it useful.
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