Self-coaching on Listening: It Ain't Easy

Last week I started our self-coaching for communication skills experiment. Each two weeks, I (along with close to 300 other hardy souls) will be trying to coach myself on how to be a better communicator.   The information gathered from this experiment will eventually become part of a new book I’m working on about professional learning.

Our first project is to improve listening skills by trying the following:  1.  Commiting to listening, 2. Making sure my partner is the speaker, 3. Pausing before speaking and asking “Will my comments open up or close down this conversation?”

All of us have tried stuff like this.  We all read great books by people like Stephen Covey or Susan Scott, and we want to do what the books say, we really do, but … somehow not much happens.

So for this experiment, we’re trying something different: self-coaching.  What we do is we video or audio record ourselves in communication, and we then watch the video to see how well we do.  The idea is that we can provide our own feedback and follow-up as we try to be good listeners.

Well I’ve been doing my self-coaching, and what I have found is, as Montgomery Gentry so eloquently stated, “This ain't about easy it's about tough.”  Indeed, David Bowey & 2Pac say the same thing. 

Really looking at how you communicate, well, it can be tough.

My first experiment, I must admit, was, despite Montgomery Gentry’s insight into life, pretty easy.  My conversation partner was passionately interested in her topic, and the purpose of the conversation was simply for me to learn what she had to teach me about a project in Alberta.  Positioned as a learner, listening to someone who was enthusiastic about a topic that mattered to me, all I had to do was keep myself from interrupting and let her have the conversation.  All in all it went pretty well, and I was feeling like a pretty effective communicator.

But then Jenny, the love of my life, and I had a conversation about home renovations. Jenny wants some; me, not so much. That conversation wasn’t so easy.  OK it was maybe a little tough. 

What is really interesting (and embarrassing) is that until I watched myself, I was convinced that I had done a fantastic job listening to Jen. The video evidence, however, gave me away. I interrupted, I cut Jenny off, I judged what she was going to say, long before she had come close to finishing. Our conversation was gracious, and loving, Jenny made me laugh, but I also I frequently did a terrible job of listening.

Watching the video of the conversation taught me a couple things.  First, I really have very little idea what I look like performing the important tasks of my life—like talk with me wife.  Second, video can really help me get a better idea of what I am really doing.  Third, when I have the painful awareness of how I’m performing, I am motivated to improve.  I just can’t handle being the jerky guy in the video recording, and I’m going to try to do the tough work of getting better. The video recordings will help me see if I am really doing any better.

All of this has real implications for coaching teachers. Many of you are experimenting with the self-coaching experiment along with me.  People across Canada, the US, Singapore, India and other parts of the world are now also practicing self-coaching.

So if you are in on this party, what are you learning? I’d love to hear how self-coaching is working (or not working) for you. How do you see self-coaching help us as we work with teachers.  I’d love to hear anything you’d like to share. My bet is that together we can learn a lot.

Coaching yourself on communication strategies. Are you in?

Like many of you, I create stuff hoping to positively change others’ lives.  I use books, blogs, articles and tweets to introduce ideas. But I often worry that little happens after the writing is read.

Marshall Goldsmith talks about these same worries in his new book, Mojo. Goldsmith writes: “I [have gone] back to many of my clients and assembled data that answered the question ‘does anyone ever really change?’ … Our database has grown to more than 250,000 respondents.  My conclusion is unequivocal. Very few people achieve positive, lasting change without ongoing follow-up.”

So for the book I’m writing, I’m trying out a new idea. I’m calling this process self-coaching, and I’d be mighty grateful for a few good women and men to help me test it.

The test will be simple. Every two weeks I will email my partners (you could be one!) 2-4 pages on one of the following communication topics: (1) really listening, (2) seeking common ground, (3) emotional alignment, (4) withholding judgment, (5) asking real questions, (6) suspending assumptions, (7) being a witness to the good, (8) establishing a third-point for conversation, (9) precise conversations, and (10) staying detached. Note: these topics may change as I get deeper into the project.

Each email will come with a super-simple self-coaching strategy and guidelines on how to self-coach yourself on each of these topics using the strategy.  Your job, should you wish to accept it, is to try out the strategy and answer a few questions at the end of the two weeks. I’m looking for your feedback on how effective each self-coaching activity is for you and what I can do to improve it. If you have a video camera or tape recorder, you might be asked to record yourself during some conversations. The recordings are only for you to listen to so you can gauge how well you are doing.

Some of your comments (if this process works) may be included in my communication chapter in the new book.  I’ll also publish the strategies on my blog after getting feedback, and I’ll include comments in the blog.  That way, everyone who is interested can be in on the party.

To each person who provides honest answers on all of the self-coaching strategies, I’ll send a free copy of the book hot off the presses. I’ll also thank you in my book.  I hope, though, that the real reward will be that you dramatically improve your ability to communicate and build relationships. I really hope I have the same experience myself.

So that’s the plan.  One strategy every two weeks.  A chance to try the strategy out and provide feedback.  Your comments could be in the book and be on the blog.  A free book.  A chance to improve your relationships and communication.

If you’re interested, send me an email. The first strategy, on listening, will be emailed to my self-coaching partners this weekend.  Deadline, if you want to participate, will be this weekend as well.

My email is:  jimknight@mac.com